The typical advice about expectations in relationships says, “If you lower your expectations, you won’t be disappointed.” While disappointment is certainly connected to expectations, lowering our expectations isn’t always the answer and can also lead to resentment and dissatisfaction with relationships.

Why are expectations important?

According to the Gottman Institute, Dr. Donald Baucom found that in relationships, people generally tend to get what they expect. People with generally low expectations tend to be in relationships where they get treated poorly, whereas people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated generally well.

Relational issues and challenges are actually related to assumptions and unstated and unmet expectations. In her book “Atlas of the Heart” Brené Brown describes the disappointment of unmet expectations this way, “Disappointment is one of the most frequently experienced emotions, and it tends to be experienced at a high level of intensity.”

The problem is that we assume a lot about other people and the importance that we play in their lives. We assume that what we expect is a priority for them. We assume that they understand. We assume that they agree. Or we assume that they remember. And then we experience sadness, disappointment, anger and resentment as a result of our expectations not being met.

Steps to avoid unspoken expectations:

Become conscious and aware of your own expectations. Brené says, “the fastest way for an expectation to morph into shame or resentment is for it to go unnoticed.” Start by asking yourself what your expectations are. What is important to you and why?

Check them to make sure they are in line with reality. Once you ask yourself why you have a specific expectation or concern, you can further reflect on it by asking yourself if it’s reasonable and/or realistic to have this expectation. Are there any other parts of the story that you may be missing about yourself or others? You may find it helpful to have a dialogue about your expectations with someone you trust, such as a friend, family member or therapist.

Let your expectations be known. This means creating a space where you feel comfortable speaking about your expectations but also asking others about theirs. When we bring to light our expectations and those of others, we increase the chances they’ll be met. We also decrease the chances that disappointment will destroy the relationship in question.

Keep the dialogue open. You can do this by getting curious and asking open-ended questions about expectations. Try your best to also be open to compromise or other ideas that others may bring to the table.

It’s important to note that these steps do not have to follow in this specific order as at times, giving our expectations a reality check actually happens through dialogue with the person in question. However, it’s imperative to not skip the dialogue about expectations, as this is key for ensuring that we do not fall into the trap of being disappointed by unspoken expectations. That dialogue can be challenging, which might be causing us to avoid it altogether. Remember that the cost of not communicating about expectations is too great to avoid it all together.