First, let’s remember what habits are — any behaviour repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. Habits can be both desirable and undesirable to the person performing them. When we repeat a habitual action enough times, our brain forms neural pathways for that habit, making it difficult to break an undesirable habit and form new desirable habits.

Why is changing habits so difficult?

We are motivated by negative emotions. Meaning, when we get a kick of motivation to change an undesirable habit (such as too much screen time) or to replace it with a more positive one (reading), we are usually fuelled by negative emotions such as guilt, shame, stress, or fear. Real and lasting change needs a positive ground to stand on that can be accomplished by more positive emotions and thinking.

We get trapped with unhelpful thoughts. One of the most common unhelpful thinking styles is all-or-nothing thinking. When it comes to habit change or formation, all-or-nothing thinking leads us to believe that we need to change everything right away, and if we fail, that means we can’t do it. This leads to discouragement and premature abandonment of our goals.

We try to change too much too fast. If we think about undesirable habits, such as not getting enough sleep at night, it usually develops over time. It may start as going to bed a little later than usual to watch your favourite TV show and slowly turn into going to bed at 2 A.M. when you have to be up early in the morning. When we try to adopt a new habit, we need to focus on setting small and achievable goals that we can build on.

We don’t set ourselves up for success. When we try to change something for the better, we often think that our motivation will always be at the same level as when we initially decided we were ready for the change, which is very rarely the case. Setting up some helpful tools and supports that can aid us in our habit development is important. For example, if you want to make going to therapy regularly a priority, it can be helpful to book a few sessions in advance.

We forget that it’s a process that takes time and has multiple stages. Change is rarely a linear process. Rather, it involves various steps as well as detours, including failure.

We see setbacks as a sign that we should give up. Failing, or having setbacks, as we try to adopt a new habit or behaviour is inevitable. It can be helpful to see failure as a step, not as the end of the process or an excuse to stop trying.

THE SIX STAGES OF CHANGE

Unaware of the need to change, no consideration of changing.
Thinking about change, reviewing the pros and cons of change.
Planning to change, taking steps to facilitate change behaviour, such as taking classes or looking up resources.
Putting plans into practice.
Behaviour becomes part of daily life, habitual.
Return to older, unhelpful behaviour patterns.

As you move through these stages of change, remind yourself that relapse or setbacks are part of the process. That way, you are less likely to view a setback as a sign that you should quit, or that you aren’t cut out for whatever habit you are trying to adopt. Treating setbacks as a learning opportunity can promote flexibility, growth, self-compassion and curiosity which in turn can help you grow and stick to the habit in the long run.

What to do when you have a setback?

Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you are human and make mistakes. Remind yourself that setbacks are part of the process when it comes to change. It can also be helpful to reflect on what you learned from the setback. You can ask yourself the following questions: