Self-inquiry: Learn more about yourself

The struggle of self-identity refers to the internal challenges and conflicts individuals face in understanding, defining, and accepting who they are as unique individuals. This struggle can manifest in various ways and can be influenced by several factors. Self-identity is a deeply personal and complex process that individuals go through to understand and define themselves.

Identity vs. Personality

In the most general sense, identity is a person’s sense of self, established by their unique characteristics, affiliations, and social roles. Identity may include things like family background, skin colour, or gender, as well as belief systems, morals, ethics and values. Identity explains who you are and what you stand for. Personality, on the other hand, guides your behaviours and how you respond to stimuli around you. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, personality is actually an adaptation to our circumstances and interactions with caretakers, family, community and society. In that way, personality is not who we are, and it changes over time as we get exposed to new experiences.

Discovering your authentic self

To reveal the parts of self that are real and authentic, it may actually be necessary to challenge parts of our personality. Dr. Maté encourages an exercise that he refers to as “Compassionate Inquiry” which allows individuals to reveal what lies underneath the appearance we present to the world, which would likely be referred to as personality.

To do this exercise, all you need is a quiet space and a pen and paper, as handwriting engages your mind in more active ways. You then progress through the following questions, one at a time.

1. What am I not saying “no” to in my life's important areas?

   Here, you want to think about times when everything in you was saying “no” but you said “yes” anyway. Examples include accepting extra work over the weekend that takes time away from your family or agreeing to go out with a friend when you actually needed rest. Ask yourself if there are specific people or situations that you find it most difficult to say “no” to, or if you are able to say “no”, do you do so with guilt, shame and reluctance?

   As a reminder — and potentially, an additional motivator — these are the impacts of not saying “no” when it felt authentic: experiencing physical symptoms such as frequent colds, headaches, and digestive problems; feeling sad, anxious, bored, and being unable to experience pleasure; and experiencing resentment and alienation in your relationships.

2. What do I miss out on due to my inability to assert myself?

   This one is personal. Think about areas of your life, emotions, experiences, and states that you may miss out on, such as rest, respect, calm, friendships and others.

3. What bodily symptoms have I been overlooking?

   Have you noticed any physical symptoms that you struggle with often? You can refer back to the impacts of not saying “no” above as a starting point. Dr. Maté explains that it’s important to really give ourselves space and time to observe our bodily function, as chronic symptoms tend to go unnoticed the longer we have them.

4. What is the hidden story behind my inability to say no?

   Here, we are invited to think about the narrative or explanation for our habits that fuel our inability to say no. Dr. Maté follows this up with the question, “What do I believe about myself to deny my own needs this way?” Some common narratives behind the inability or struggle to say no include, worrying that you will come across as weak or unable to handle something, we shouldn’t disappoint others, or we’re not worthy unless we have something to offer to others.

5. Where did I learn these stories?

   This question takes us back to the roots of the narrative. Try to reflect on where the messages originated while you were growing up, such as your immediate or extended family, school, friends and peers, or attitudes and ideologies of the general culture in which you grew up. According to Dr. Maté, the idea here is to look at the past in order to understand and let go, rather than dwell on what happened.

6. Where have I ignored the yes that wanted to be said?

   Lastly, Dr. Maté invites us to reflect on when and where we sacrificed a “yes” due to fear, anxiety, or in the name of duty. For example, are there joys or desires to have fun and explore that we deny ourselves? This may even look like interrupting joy by reminding ourselves of everything that can go wrong.

For additional information and inspiration, read Dr. Maté’s book, “The Myth of Normal.”