In today’s society, having a busy schedule, overworking, and overachieving are becoming more and more glorified and perceived as a sign of dedication and success. Saying “I have so much going on” or “I can’t - I’m too busy” is often seen as a sign of doing many great things or having a full life. Many of us are even proud of how well we do under pressure or search for ways to get better at it. While there are benefits to handling pressure and stress well, there is something to say about the pursuit of chaotic emotional states — such as frustration, stress, fear and anxiety — that is becoming more common.

What is a dependency on chaos?

As the word itself suggests, a dependency on chaos is an individual’s — often subconscious — need for tension, turmoil and stress. Dr. Scott Lyons writes about a similar phenomenon — addiction to drama — where a person uses the intensity in their life as a way to cope. In other words, their life is a constant cycle of chaos and chronically high levels of stress, where they are unable to relax and sit still without an internal alarm going off sending them back into stress and chaos.

Where does it come from?

Growing up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment can create a distorted sense of normalcy. When chaos becomes the "norm," individuals may feel uncomfortable or even bored in stable, calm environments. They may find chaos more familiar and therefore gravitate towards it, as it aligns with their early experiences. Moreover, the constant hyper-vigilance that is required in stressful and unpredictable environments may cause a physical dependence on the activation of stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The adrenaline rush and intensity associated with chaotic situations can temporarily alleviate the emotional distress that individuals may feel.

Chaotic environments often lack structure and predictability, which can leave individuals feeling powerless and out of control. Paradoxically, some individuals with a history of stressful childhood experiences may seek out chaotic situations because they provide a false sense of control. They may believe that by immersing themselves in chaos, they can manipulate or influence the outcome, giving them a temporary illusion of power.

Do you have trouble saying “no” to people and requests?
Does your life feel over-scheduled?
Do you seek relationships that trigger uncertainty or abandonment?
Do you feel panicked and anxious, yet still feel the need to accomplish?
Do you often feel anxious or bored when things are calm?
Do you crave extreme situations and sensations?
Do you find that you often “make a big deal” out of small issues?

First steps toward managing the dependency on chaos

The most helpful thing we can do for ourselves (and others who may be struggling) is to understand that this pursuit or dependency on chaos usually comes from a place of pain and defence. The struggle to remain calm and enjoy peace usually originates from not having an advantage of these experiences in childhood. Exploring the root causes of your dependency on chaos, such as unresolved trauma, low self-esteem, fear of stability, or a need for excitement can be achieved through self-reflection and therapy.

Taking time out every day to simply be quiet and alone with yourself so you can pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling, without outside noise and distractions. This may be very challenging in the beginning, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. Doing so may come in the form of meditation, but it doesn’t have to do. Finding activities that allow you to be still, quiet and with yourself, such as going for walks, enjoying nature, or getting creative can all be helpful.

Be patient with yourself as you go through this process of learning and understanding your pursuit of chaotic emotional states. With time and effort, change is possible.