When your partner won’t go to couples therapy.

Apr 24

You have come to the conclusion that couples counselling may be beneficial for your relationship, but when you asked your partner, they pretty much refused. They may say things like, “We don’t need therapy.” “Things are not as bad as you think” or “We can figure this out ourselves.” What now?

Often, the individual that suggested couples therapy considers attending individual therapy in the hopes that it may help the relationship as well. While therapeutic support of any kind rarely makes things worse, it’s important to consider that it may not help your relationship directly. Individual therapy can likely help you better understand the role that you play in your relationship by growing your self-awareness, as well as explore your options, come up with strategies for moving forward and decide whether or not the relationship is something you want to continue with. It is less likely (not impossible) that it will actually support your relationship issues directly as one-half of the story will be missing from the process.

So, what can you do if your partner has refused to go with you to couples counselling? Here are some options to consider:

Create some space for your partner to explore their hesitations together. It’s not uncommon for one partner to feel resistant or hesitant to therapy, for a variety of reasons. By allowing them to express their thoughts and opinions, you may find out more about their position that can help you move forward together in a way that works for you both as there may be underlying fears or concerns that can be addressed and resolved through communication.
Ask some specific questions if you get stuck on “I just don’t want to.” Did your partner have a previous negative experience with therapy? Do they hold the belief that couples therapy means that you are headed for divorce? Are there things that they are uncertain about when it comes to therapy, such as the type of therapy, the process and how it works in general?
Express your own thoughts and feelings about why couples therapy is important for you. Be open and honest about how you think therapy could help your relationship, and try your best to express this in terms of positive needs - your partner may be more likely to get engaged this way.
Consider finding a compromise with your partner. For example, you may explore some self-help options to start or if they are more open, talk about attending a few sessions only for them to see how it feels.
Seek support for yourself. If you are struggling with relationship issues and your partner is not willing to attend therapy, it can be helpful to seek support from friends or family members. You could also consider joining a support group or speaking with a therapist on your own.
Revisit the idea in the future. It is possible that your partner may be more open to attending therapy at a later time.

Remember that while couples therapy can be beneficial, it is not the only solution. It is important to communicate openly with your partner, seek support, and explore other options if needed.